His loyal subjects

Me: "Baby Ty is the cutest "
Henry: "he IS!"
Aaron: "He is the king of all babies!"

According to Pete

Lizzy is not a girl she is a real Supergirl.
Mommies are girls because they have real sweaters.

Stew

So I had a dream that me and ann hathaway were hanging out with Britney Spears. Britney was complaining about how frizzy her hair is because of all the damage she has done to it. So I asked her if it was as frizzy as that chick in the movie the Princess diaries. Then I asked her if she could go get me a fork so that I could eat the stew that Steve Carell made for me. He was carrying around this big-box it looked like a walkie-talkie but it was really a radio and a cell phone combined. It was white. She brought me three Forks. When Steve Carell brought me my stew he had to walk through a large body of water. He didn't want to get his radiophone wet so he was holding it Far far above his head. Then I ate my stew. Then I complemented Britney on her crimped hair. I only used one of the forks to eat my stew.

Sounds like a nice place!

Watching Pete's Dragon with my boy, Hank.

We're at the scene right before Pete and Elliot prance down the hill into Passamaquoddy.  

Pete says, "Passamquoddy, sounds like a nice place!" (it does)

Henner pipes up with, "Passamaquoddy, that has five syllables."

My reply, "you know what else has five syllables?"

Henry didn't skip a beat,  "Plesiosaurus."

Who just has that on file? "I'll take five-syllable words for 300, Alex."

Henry does.

Snowflake poem

There are lots of snowflakes
almost better than cakes
they are good to make
In hevens (heaven's) name
they are not the same
Snowflake poem
by Henry Olheiser

I had to get Aaron from school today. He likes to make it interesting:
"I like when dad takes me home."
And then, because he immediately realized he could be misunderstood:
"But... I like when you pick me up too. I like your mouth. I like the sounds that come out of your mouth, you know? And... I like you, your whole body. I just like you."

sometimes yes men are wrong. so wrong.

Aaron came running in to his room where I was changing sheets, "mom! mom! Peter got saved! He prayed lots of times and now he's saved like me and Henry!"

Skeptically I reply, "you know that it isn't saying a prayer that saves you, right? What do you have to do to be saved and go to heaven?"

Carson, Aaron's most enthusiastic yes man, who was up until this time just a willing and enthusiastic observer became a participant in our theological conversation with this gem: "you ask your dad to carry you up!"

I did my best to clear this up, lest you think I inadvertently led them to believe this. I don't think it worked.

Simple Kind of Christmas

Ben: "I hate Max."
Me: "I hate Ruby."
Ben: "What would happen if Max ever met Curious George?"
Me: "And had a baby?"
Ben: "And called it: A Bag of Skit-tells"
Me: incoherent laughter
Ben: "And A Rainbow Rabbit."

That's it. I thought it was funny.

duracell

Stephen A. to Skip: "Tebow can take hits and keep going, you can slow him down, but you can't stop him."
Me to Tyson: "Apparently Elizabeth has a future in the NFL."

King Picadilly

Tyson agreed to watch a video with me while I folded a mountain of laundry (that he had washed!!!) tonight. After 3 unsuccessful attempts at finding something interesting/appropriate/not a yawn-fest we finally settled on a biography of Queen Elizabeth II.

While outlining the details leading to her reign, it was necessary for the narrator to list the circumstances leading to her uncle, Edward VIII's, abdication and her father, George VI's, ascension to the throne. Upon realizing that George V had named his second son after himself, I remarked to Tyson, "see, it's not unheard of for a not-the-first son to be named after his father." (Tyson is paranoid that in naming his 5th son after himself he may be perceived as egotistical. I disagree) At which point my husband remarked to me, "no, his name was Piccadilly."
huh?
backed the dvd up
When her father became king, they moved to Buckingham Palace from their home in Piccadilly. That's cleared up so I feel free to remark again, "See? There's  precedence for that, he named his second son after himself, George..."
Tyson: "presidents? I thought he was the king."
King Piccadilly.

smrt

hubby: whats up
 me: I'm tired tried to take a nap
 yeah I tried to take a nap
 I am so tired but It was so hard to breathe that I felt panicked the whole time and finally gave up 
hubby: gave up breathing?
me: yes I am dead currently dead and typing
hubby: I'm no doctor, but I dont think that is healthy
hubby: wow... I just saw you earlier today and now you are gone...
me: ... you are a doctor
hubby: oh
 sorry

'Fish Tales' or 'The Dangers of Cannibalism' by Aaron Mark Olheiser'

"Come here, Love Boy!" The order was immediately followed and rewarded by a great big hug from me to my son, Aaron. He then told me, "I love you, I wish I could just eat your face, then eat two pictures of your face." "You're the best, Aaron," I replied. In response: "I know. And I'm five now so I know how to fish."

birthday cha-cha

Q: I just realized that my wife is a Sith Lord. What is my obligation to the Jedi Council? A: NOTHING, because cha-cha has gotten LAME. But it was an excellent question, was it not?

more chacha love courtesy of my soul mate

Q: The other day, I said something kinda insensitive to my wife and she replied "go back to the shadow." That can't be good.

A: It probably wasn't a compliment. Apologize to your wife and let her know that you love her and didn't mean to hurt her feelings.

I heart my dad with my whole heart

This was a gchat between my husband and I regarding my dad, Mark Francis Kos. Enjoy.

hubby: "good opportunity to witness to punk out hole in earlobe very open appearance punk culture to block very declaration of gospel"
guess who texted that....
me: are his initials MFK?
hubby: big time
dont know what to say to that
"yeah!"?
me: lol
hubby: I know!
"that's a shame"?
me: you know you love him. You should have replied with your own equally asinine non-sequitur: "london shame fell a well wall almost painted lavender"

Chef Pierre

Pete is bursting with pride.
He was literally dancing circles around me.
He made his own dinner you see.
He found a grilled cheese sandwich in the fridge wrapped in foil, (who knows how old it was)threw the foil away, placed the sandwich in the microwave, hit the correct buttons,(!)and then ate it.
I was in bed but Annie saw the whole thing. When I got up he was dancing around me (with his mouth full of you guessed it: grilled cheese sandwich)singing:
"Petah maka sammmmwish''
No way, you say?
Yep.
The boy is way too cute.
At least I think so

"Aaron hates losing" or "Aaron gets it, why can't you?"

Last week I had to go down to the church during school to return a book to the library and to get a new one. I left the two smallest children at home with Annie and took Aaron with me. On the way there, Aaron wanted to race me so I ran. Of course I ran faster than him and he hates losing so he started urging me to to hold his hand, knowing it would slow me down. Naturally I refused and kept running. As we neared the end of the parking lot and approached the grass area beside the church I decided to show off a little and leap over one of the parking bumpers. I, of course, tripped, as one tends to do when one is showing off. Since it was a trip at high speed, I ended up rolling. My ankle and me, finishing up with a summersault and landing face first, nose mashed into the grass. My ankle did hurt but mostly I stayed down there in the grass because I was laughing so hard. Aaron panicked, assuming I was dead or similar. After a few moments he realized I was laughing and joined in, "you fell and that was funny, mommy," confirming my long held belief that: "Falling is always funny."

jury duty

Servo's got jury duty. She is taking it very seriously. She's texting me while she waits for instructions! Let me show you...
Servo: Some guy brought a notebook. What a suck-up.
The sea captain is a sea captain.
Servo: And a pen. He wishes he were a lawyer.
me: what's with the sea captain?
Servo: This guy wearing a red turtle neck and blue knit cap
Servo: and a biiiiig white beard
me: Santa Waldo?
Servo: Think ye olde time sea captain
Me: Veteran of His Majesty's Royal Navy?
Servo: Less classy
Me: arrrrr
Servo: He's awesome. I'd serve with him.
Me: In the Royal Navy or the jury? Cuz you know woman can't serve in the Royal Navy...
Servo: Jury. Obviously.
Me: I'm pretty sure American's can't serve in the Royal Navy either...
Servo: They'd let me in.
Me: Probably.
Me: Benedict.

AND:
Servo: I've seen Law & Order - I've got this.
Me: dun dun dun dun dun

an hour that will live in infamy

October 28, 2011

Normal morning, normal afternoon. I delayed nap a little later than usual because I was waiting for Abby to bring Luke and Allison over to take their naps here while she cleaned. At about 1:45 I put Peter, Lizzy, Luke, and Allison to bed. Peter and Lizzy were in their rooms, in their usual beds. Luke was on the couch in the basement and Allison was in the pack & play in my office/sewing room. Aaron was last, I put him to bed in my room at about 5 'till two. I gave him a stack of books to read which I normally do when I don't have the time to read him his "Five books, mom. Just five... okay four. Four books." and so on, while we negotiate. All this so Erin and I could have the privacy to attempt a Pilates workout video. At about 2:00, Tyson came home to change for P.E. He changed, said hello to Aaron, and left at about ten after. We waited for Tyson to leave before we turned on the tape.

After Tyson left, Erin and I began our Pilates. At some point during the video, Annie left and came back, having taken James for a walk. When Erin and I had completely exhausted ourselves and finished only about 2/3 of the workout, we concluded that our legs were rubbery enough and decided to call it quits.

I went in my room to change out of my sweats. It was right before 3:00. Aaron was not in my bed. This was not particularly alarming because I hadn't read to him until he fell asleep so it was normal that he would get out of bed and wander off to play. Unusual though, that I hadn't heard him go by the living room, which he would have had to do do if he had gone downstairs. I went downstairs to look for him. I looked in Joel and Annie's room, the playroom, the storage room, the boys' room, the living room, and all the nooks and crannies in those rooms. I looked under beds, behind furniture, under furniture, in closets, behind totes, and behind curtains in every room downstairs. Then I looked upstairs. By now I had told Annie that I couldn't find Aaron and all this time so far Erin had been looking too. He wasn't in the house. This had never happened before. I didn't want to panic. I'm not a panic kind of person. I also don't cry at weddings.

I went to the church to look for him. My next best guess was that he went down there to visit with dad or find his brothers. As I arrived at the church, school was just getting out but the side doors were still locked so I rattled the door until someone came and opened it. Mrs. Gritton came to see who was rattling the doors since apparently it's hard on the locks to do that. I can see why she was annoyed and any other time I would have been contrite but at the time I was thinking, "my son is lost and you're worried about me damaging the locks?!" I told her as I ran by that Aaron was lost and I was looking at the church for him. I found Ty, told him that Aaron was missing and then went home to look again.

At some point during the initial search Kelly Correll called me to see if she could drop off some clothes. I told her that Aaron was missing and then hung up on her. So rude! At this point Annie and Erin were tracing the route Annie had taken on her walk to see if Aaron had followed her. At church and outside Mrs. Gritton, Abby, Jennifer, Mrs. Pinne, and Tyson were searching.

I intercepted Tyson just as he was coming from searching in and around the church bus and told him that at some point we were going to need to call the police. He said to do it so I did. I called the police. All the time preceding the phone call I was constantly praying in my head that we would find him, that I was overreacting, that he was somewhere we just hadn't looked yet in the house but when I made that call, it all became real. Aaron was dead. I just knew it. I began to picture my life without him and I didn't like it. I hated it. He is a light. He is the kind of person you can't live without once you know him. He is beautiful. He is not my favorite but I have been accused of favoring him and at that moment I repented of that. I thought losing him was what I deserved for favoring him over my other children and that having him was just too good to last.

I called the police. Now it was real. Aaron was gone. While I was on the cell phone calling the police, I decided to stomp through the tall grass behind the playground where there is construction in the new subdivision. I thought maybe he would have thought the construction equipment was neat. All the while my eyes are roving back and forth over the tall grass, looking for his red sweatshirt. The 911 operator asked for my address. I drew a blank. I couldn't remember. All I could remember was the church address. I gave him the church address and then wasted what I thought was valuable time explaining to him what a parsonage is. After he got the address he asked what my emergency was. I told him I lost a child. To quote Henry, this is when things got "really real" to me. Child's age, height, last known whereabouts, eye color, hair color. Yikes. He said the police were on the way, to go back to my house to wait for them and to find a picture of Aaron to give the police. A picture. These are the pictures up at walmart, and on the tv, I thought. Aaron is a picture at walmart.

As I was walking back to the house, I saw Austen, Stephen, and Matthew on a "hill" in the neighboring farmer's soybean field. The "hill" is covered with tall grass and weeds. In looking at that picture, at those boys searching for my son, I had my most disturbing image yet; I saw in my mind Aaron, limp and bloody, discovered on that hill. I turned my head and walked to the house. By now I'm sobbing. When I got back to my house several people were congregated in the yard. Jennifer gave me a hug. Kelly was in the house. She kept touching me, telling me we'd find him, comforting me. I said, "I have to find a picture," and went into my office. Allison was still in there, no longer asleep since I had searched in there at least twice, all the while yelling Aaron's name. I went to a bookshelf where i knew there were some finished scrapbook pages that had pictures of the children on them. I looked through the pictures. Kelly was helping me, comforting me. She's a very comforting woman. I couldn't find a picture of just Aaron in the scrapbook pages so I crossed the room and looked in a drawer that I knew had several envelopes of developed pictures. I am alternately crying, hyperventilating, and criticizing myself, all the while being consoled by Mrs. Correll. I finally found a picture of Aaron. In this picture he is in a wading pool in the Gritton's back yard in Florida. Aaron and Nate or Eli, I can't remember, had gone outside to play and gotten into the wading pool which was filled with mud, bark dust, rain water, and dirty toys. Rebekah and I had both hurriedly gotten cameras before we got them out of the water and cleaned up because they both looked so surprised that what they were doing was wrong. Just as I found the picture, Tyson came down the hall and said to me, "Come on, the police are here."

As I was walking down the hall I said to my husband, "I need you to tell me you're not mad at me right now. It's really important for me to know you're not angry." He said nothing. I went outside. There were two police officers there. One of them approached me and asked me if I was the person who called, if I was the missing child's mother. He began asking about times. What time did I put him to bed, what time did Tyson leave, what time did Annie go on her walk, what time did I finish Pilates, what time did I notice he was gone, etc. I kept saying, "I had to have let him walk right by me, how did I not notice him leaving?" I could not get past the idea that I had terribly neglected my maternal duties if I was so absorbed in a video that I let a small child escape without even noticing! Then he asked for a list of all the adults who had access to the house. I had one streamer thought, that "oh no! He's going to think Annie did it!"

As I was listing all the people who had been in and out, Micah Correll and Henry ran out of the house. Micah shouted, "hey! we found him!" It didn't register with me. I looked up. They were coming out of the house and he wasn't in the house so I began to disregard them. Then I heard the other officer speak into his radio, "We got 'im," he said. I A) didn't trust Micah and Henry; and B) didn't want the search to be called off too soon so I said, "I'm not sure about that, wait a second." I had to see for myself. I followed them in. "He's over there," I was told. It seems like Abby or Tyson or maybe Mrs. Correll did see him before me so I finally began to hope but I still had to see for myself.

I looked. In the corner, under a desk and behind another desk, and behind a board/shelf that had been removed from a desk, there was a little white hand sticking out. It was Aaron's hand! I walked back into the hall. Both the police officers were there. "Was it him?" He asked. It was. I blubbered and gushed for a while then found myself exasperated, "He's so infuriating!" Someone laughed. I felt terrible. I felt like such a drama queen. Who calls the police for a missing child when the kid is in the next room over from where you put him down for nap??! I felt ridiculous. I admitted how foolish I had been to overreact and get everyone all riled up. The office was very reassuring. He told me that, "99.9% of the time this is what happens. The child has just hidden. The child is safe. You didn't overreact. You did the right thing." I was very reassured to hear this but I still do feel silly that I made such a big deal out of a four-year-old sneaking graham crackers and falling asleep. Yes, that's right. The whole things was because the boy had stolen a box of graham crackers and hidden to eat them and then fell asleep. That just about sums my boy up. He is so infuriating!

Update: Tyson later told me that as I was walking outside to speak to the police, that he had never felt more sympathy for me in his life as he did then. He said he knew that if Aaron was gone that I would feel guilty forever for losing him.

a rose by any other name

"Mom, what's a mom?"
"A mom is someone who has babies."
"Oh. Are you a mom?"
"Do I have babies?"
"Yes, you have lots of babies."
"How many babies do I have?"
"A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, and a lot." Here he holds up ten fingers.
"Do I have ten babies?"
"No."
"How many do I have?"
"This many," holding up five fingers.
"And what are their names?"
"Air, Oh, Aye, Oooo, Aaaaeeter, dat is your babies. And Er, and Eeee. Dat is your babies' name. Now you talk your babies' names"
"Austen, Henry, Aaron, Peter, and Lizzy."
"Nooooooooo! Just Austen, Henry, Peter and Lizzy. I will be a baby next week."